There is an old saying: “Love the whip is good, hate it for the sweet”, this has also become an excuse for many parents to justify yelling at their children.
How does the child feel when he is scolded?
The American education specialist Rona Rayner once said, during a psychotherapy session, that she asked a 7-year-old boy: “If you had a magic wand and it granted you the wish to change his personality, Dad, what would you expect it to be? ?”
Without hesitation, the boy replied, “I hope you stop yelling at me and Mommy.”
Upon hearing this, the father who was normally strict and forbidding calmed down and began to rethink his actions. Immediately, he promised his son that he would never let that happen again.
Scolding is a psychological burden beyond a child’s tolerance.
When we say unkind words to our children, they apparently “pretend” to silently cooperate with the authority that parents demean, but in reality, their hearts are covered with hurt scars.
Each child will react differently when scolded. Likewise, they will also use different ways to express the pain in their hearts.
01
Children’s first reaction after being scolded: Ignore!
Parents who often scold their children will feel this way: their children have not changed, although they have been corrected many times. So, children often make repeated mistakes, they are teased hundreds of thousands of times, but they still don’t do their homework, they always play with their phones when parents are not watching, the room is always dirty and messy. both awake…
No matter how many times you say this, the child is still the same, unchanged, creating a vicious cycle: wrong – scolded – temporarily corrected – offended again.
It is difficult for many families to break this endless vicious circle. Here’s one of the downsides of yelling at kids for long periods of time: their brains automatically switch to an escape mechanism and all attention is focused on how to get away.
When this cycle happens frequently, children will think that it doesn’t matter how many times they get it wrong, as long as they don’t get scolded, as long as they can get away with it. At this point, the child’s silence is false cooperation. Only when parents throw tantrums of greater intensity do they really “give up.”
Children will not think about correcting when they make a mistake, but only think about what to do next time so that their parents don’t find out. Because, they consider it normal for parents to scold, if they scold and swear a lot, their children will be “immunized” and become more stubborn.
02
“Vengeful” Parents with Rebellion
The more the parent scolds, the more rebellious the child becomes. When children are young, the harsh words of their parents usually have an effect, but as they get older, this effect disappears or there are “reverse reactions”.
As children enter puberty, the anger built up in childhood turns into rebellion, and many teen problems develop from this.
In The Children Are Not Stupid series, there is a character named Chengcai who is a teenager and is somewhat rebellious. Chengcai is the author of a series of fights and a “thorn” in the eyes of adults.
Faced with his son’s bad behavior, Chengcai’s father believes that all problems can be solved by educating the whipping and scolding. But the more he hit, the more clearly Chengcai showed his reaction against his father.
A child who has been scolded for a long time by his parents not only disobeys but also loses confidence in himself, carries with him a deep despair, in the end he chooses to give up on himself.
They hope to “get back” at their parents, and “annoying” adults may be the only strong response they can make. The more parents scold, the more stubborn children become, and lack of love is the main reason children give up on themselves.
03
Affirmative and negative language
During childhood, children shape themselves through the caregivers around them, whether intentionally or unintentionally adults, their words and feelings influence a child’s sense of self. . That is, the image of himself in the child’s mind is often formed from childhood.
But in the process of parenting, adults often have very one-sided and negative assessments of children. Especially when yelling at children, always mixed with a lot of negative words like “You are so bad”, “You are so bad”, “You will never be able to do anything”… Over time, the sayings This will become a kind of prejudice, which is a bad sign for the child’s development.
Author Dana Susskind mentioned in the book Parent’s Language: 30 Million Words Shape a More Strong Learning Brain that: Human intelligence or psychology is the result of the interaction between heredity and environment. The words that children acquire in the early stages of life are very important for their intellectual development.
The linguistic environment is not only concerned with word input. The use of affirmative and negative language will also increase the gap in the child’s intellectual development.
“You’re right”, “You’re great”, “Well done!”… – these affirmative phrases, when used correctly, will help children to believe that they can achieve anything if they put in enough effort. Throughout the day, dominated by negative words, the child will believe he is a “bad” child as the parents say and will repeat these bad behaviors.
People often say: “The more children scold, the more they resist” – This is absolutely true.
Parents use everyday language to define their children, children gradually become what their parents describe, the pain they suffer will be imprinted in their minds when they grow up, eventually they will become inferior, better.
04
The “insecurity” reaction
Insecurity is a child’s most common response to being scolded.
In public places, you will sometimes see children chasing and crying while being scolded by their parents.
It is said that parents in the world love their children unconditionally, in fact, children also love their parents in the same way, even the parents’ love for their children is not equal to the children’s love for their parents.
When children are disobedient, wise, unintelligent and uncooperative, we show rejection, disappointment and boredom.
In the morning, she even kissed my son’s cheek and said “I love you more”, but in the afternoon, because of you, I got angry, gathered my feelings and let go of the bond between mother and son.
But children are different.
In this world, no matter how cold the parents are, the children will still embrace them if given the chance. They never seem to hold a grudge, and after being scolded, they fear that their parents don’t love them anymore. And immediately they will correct themselves.
This type of reaction is a manifestation of insecurity, as they cannot tolerate the indifference of their parents. Children will never stop loving their parents no matter what, but the shadow of being unloved always follows them, their proactive embrace after being scolded is actually fear of a breakup.
05
“Is scolding so bad?”
Before answering this question, parents, please consider one question, which is: When we adults make mistakes, how do we expect others to handle our mistakes?
Some time ago, a young man took a driving test, probably because he was nervous, he repeatedly made mistakes during driving practice at school. Incidentally, his trainer also loudly threw a tantrum: “Why can’t you do this?”.
When the coach grew taller, she became more and more stressed, one day when she left the driving school, she could not hold back her tears, a sad expression said: “I finally understand how children feel when tutoring. they do Homework.”
When making mistakes, no one wants to endure harsh criticism from others, but the desire for understanding and empathy is what is most needed right now. The same goes for our children’s mistakes, the more we react negatively, angry, frustrated and aggressive, the easier it is to push our children into isolation. Therefore, faced with many inappropriate behaviors of children, parents must first learn to control their emotions.
As Rhona Renner put it, “It takes more time and effort to mend a relationship that has been damaged by angry words and name-calling than it does to give yourself some time to cool off.”
Second, learn to be tolerant of your children.
Children make mistakes, sometimes they just choose the wrong time, their nature is not bad, you can even say that they are good children with positive motivation. Realizing this, parents will sympathize with their children. Children’s lack of change is actually causing parents to reflect and change the way they communicate positively with them.
Source: Sohu
